up to scratch
Jan 15th, 2010 by lesley
Not sure if I’ve written about this before but when I’m at work, I often have this nagging feeling that I’m not up to scratch. Not capable enough. Not skilled, experienced or knowledgeable enough. Feeling like someone is going to tap me on the shoulder one day and say, “The gig is up!” Turns out this isn’t uncommon, and it has a name. Imposter Syndrome, or neurotic imposture. Yay! I’m not alone!
I’m fairly sure this started in 5th grade when I began scoring near perfect exam marks in most subjects. Yes, I was also “quiet and consciencious”, as most school reports will attest, a perfectionist and obviously intelligent. Coupled with being shy and not very confident, being in the spotlight felt strange. Suddenly I was one of the smart kids. So the following year I self-sabotaged, didn’t “apply myself” and turned in some dud exam results. Problem solved!
I have never felt entirely comfortable celebrating or otherwise acknowledging my hard work and achievements. Even now when I do well, I either play it down, figure it was due to dumb luck, or fob off compliments. I see myself doing it and want to kick myself! Why can’t I just smile and say “Thank you?” Or do a little Happy Dance?
To say that work last year was a journey is an under statement. It was challenging, stressful, and scary. But you know what? I faced it, climbed a very steep learning curve, and survived! And I did some really great stuff, most of which no one will ever really know about. This year I’m going to celebrate my achievements, however small they may be. It’s OK to do OK.